"Some Women" are Actually Content with It
[dedicated to V.Gören]
As much as my energy and circle of wonderful friends + new acquaintances
allow, I try my best to be the "artsy woman" (or Roxy Woman as of last Monday night!) while I am spending some months in
Istanbul. Today, I managed to see my first film festival movie only a few days
before it ends, which turned out to be a great choice. It is called: Far from
the Madding Crowd (a film adaption of Thomas Hardy's novel with the same title.
The director is Thomas Vinterberg, a Danish film director who, along with Lars
von Trier, co-founded the Dogme 95 movement).
The movie and the conversations taking place among the characters
brought back memories from my college days. Ah, the good-old Thomas Hardy whom
I should have given more importance as a flourishing feminist back then! We
need more male writers like you in Turkey today. I do remember studying Jude
the Obscure in the 1990s and its extraordinary free-spirited female character Sue Bridehead.
More than anything, I was struck by the fact that a male writer in the late 19th
century could actually create this woman. I remember how she was against marriage
which strongly appealed to my sentiments at the time. I was smiling at myself
today as I was watching the expression on the guys' faces when Bathsheba declined
their marriage proposals. They were so shocked. They assume (like most men even
today) that all women want to get married. The truth is well, some don't. And
sorry to remind you that some women are actually not even heterosexual or monogamous.
Far from
the Madding Crowd: Bathsheba is a very impulsive and straightforward woman so
it comes as a shock to men, they don't know how to deal with her. All the women
they have encountered so far must have been indirect and manipulative ones so men
learn to perform accordingly. When Bathsheba looks at Gabriel's face and says "no,
thank you, I don't want to marry" he cannot know the rest of the game, he is
frozen and then he leaves. He finally gives in to his long-term quiet love and
just wants to be near her even if it means to be a worker on her farm and watch
her other suitors around. Bathsheba's second suitor and the owner of a nearby
farm, Mr. Boldwood is a somewhat reserved man who claims that he is unable to
fall in love until Bathsheba sends him a valentine card on a whim. He suddenly develops
feelings for her, convinces himself that he is in love with her, and he refuses
to give her up. He doesn't take no as an answer. This is the other weird thing
about some guys, even when they are educated and seem very rational when you
first meet them. Once you kindly reject them and say "look, why don’t we just
stay friends, I really don't want to get married, sorry, don't take it
personally, it is not about you, blah blah…" you are stuck with them for life.
They can get married, involve in other relations, have kids and/or mistresses
but they get obsessed about you and will check you regularly until one of you
dies one day. As long as they are friendly, "protective" of you on their own terms
and not interfering with your life, they make good friends. If their case becomes pathological, well, you may have to deal
with them collectively, with the help of some partners and friends.
Thomas Hardy was very critical in his novels of Victorian
England, especially of institutions of marriage, the Church and education. As I
was watching the film, I was thinking I am still having serious problems with
people (some of whom have bright CV and travelled all over the world) and the government
in Turkey when it comes to their views of institutions of marriage, the Church (let
us replace it with interpretations of Islam) and education. I feel much closer
to Hardy than some people around me! In Jude
the Obscure, remember how Jude and Sue are ostracised for living together
unmarried, especially after their children are born. Jude's employers dismiss
him because of the illicit relationship, and the family is forced into a
nomadic lifestyle. Well, with a few neighbourhoods in Istanbul aside, this is
still very close to what you may experience in Turkey. The parents will not
take their children's partners seriously unless they are introduced as future
wife/husband or at least with an engagement ring on their fingers. This is not
changing much in the new generation either. The images
and representations of happiness are so dictated and distorted by the media that
majority of people cannot even imagine women being happier when they choose to
remain single or opt for a communal life with good friends etc. Some women (and
men too) are actually content with it, they recommend it but wait, no, they
cannot be happy, they must be pretending and waiting for the right time or the
right guy/woman to tie the knot. Thomas Hardy designed the proposal scenes to be
absurd and comical. Men are so clumsy when they propose. They list their possessions
which Bathsheba does not care at all. She has her own farm and piano:)
http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/27
(Read books as well. Please!)
Dear men, in the course of your lifetime, you will meet "some
women" if you are lucky who are going to change all your prejudgments about
women and form new experiences outside of the circle. You'll feel that there is something "wrong" with them and unfortunately
(for you!) it can be a pull effect. Do not go as far as to propose them and do
not feel offended if they say no to you. It is not about you. You may be the
perfect candidate in the eyes of the zillion other girls or women. You may be
wealthy and thus guarantee that she is never going to need money or be in
financial trouble. You may be an intellectual man with three diplomas.
Your profile is not the point. Some women are not made for marriage or
long-term relationships unless you can guarantee their space and freedom. As Bathsheba
says at the beginning of the movie, they may be too independent to tame and
then there will be trouble when the vows wear out. Spoiler: Patience helps!
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