Caring for One’s Own Trauma is the Hardest
An inclusive interview with Zandile Nhlengetwa from Durban, South Africa. Zandile and I met on Whidbey Island, Washington (out of all places!) thanks to an international gathering of women peacemakers and writers, that is organized and sponsored by the Institute of Peace and Justice (IPJ) of University of San Diego. It took place in October 2017 at Hedgebrook Women's Writers' Residency, an idyllic place where I could only dream of traveling:) I was one of the six women who received this invitation for a memorable stay in the heart of nature, the most delicious food, and "radical hospitality" that the Hedgebrook is proud of offering to its guests.
Zandile conducts trauma-healing workshops for survivors of violence as a spiritual caregiver (Seventh-day Adventist). Frequent traveling where criminal violence is still prevalent in the post-conflict areas is part of her “normal” life. In fact, when I communicated, she texted me back: “I’m on the road traveling to another city that is 700 km away for a community meeting.” Her work is not only spiritual or individual-focused, it incorporates income-generating programs too. “When you alleviate the effects of poverty, people begin to spare more time to church activities,” she says, which wouldn’t be necessarily true in the U.S./ my context, but I respect and trust her observations. Below are some of my questions and her responses:
What do you think is needed for adequate pastoral care on trauma survivors in general?
Well, I cannot talk about ‘in general’ because I was born and raised in South Africa, I don’t know any other context. I only went abroad once before I met you in Hedgebrook last year. The U.S. is a different world from South Africa. We can’t always know what is ‘adequate’ but as a black Christian woman in her sixties [born in 1955] who lost two members of her core family due to violence, I know what my people go through in my community so I practice my work accordingly.
What are some of your personal strengths as a spiritual caregiver (SC) in your community when it comes to helping trauma survivors?
I lost my husband and my son in violent crimes. 10 years after my marriage and having two children, my husband was killed in 1989. Our house was burned down in 1994. I lost my son in a hijacking incident in 2004 while I was driving the car myself and he was sitting next to me. I’m telling you these so that you can have an idea about the traumas that I experienced. I embrace them as my personal strengths, especially when I work on practicing forgiveness. I lost all my property and two precious men of my life but I was able to forgive and continue with life and take care of others.
How can you use or activate these strengths in your current community? Can you give a few examples?
I think so. I live in a poor and rural area. It is more common than not to have single mother households where young men are easy to get involved in crime of all kinds. I talk to the mothers like myself who are afraid that their daughters would end up pregnant and sons drug-addicts or alcoholics. However, there is always a Bible passage to cite which gives hope and fortresses morality. Another strength is that I announced that making use of second-hand goods is not shameful because like the members of my faith community, I am also struggling to maintain myself and my family. You can say there is not a hierarchy between my family and the others I reach out spiritually.
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Zandile told me that as a Seventh-day Adventist she learned early to refuse canned food or meat. Her father was educated by American missionaries and worked as a clerk for the government. Many times, Zandile heard her father’s questions, “We are all born to love and support. No one is born to be violent. What is it in our community that resists this?”
“My blood boiled when I saw strangers’ attacking my father as a child,” Zandile explains about her early role model of lived Christianity:
With serene impassivity, he always reminded us of what Jesus taught during the Sermon on the Mount: “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other.” He said patience is the key and added: “We were all, blacks and whites alike, victims of the same system. Lasting peace would only come through Jesus.” Growing up with him helped me a lot on how I treat people with trauma.
As a college student, Zandile was dedicated first and foremost to her religion. As the struggle against apartheid grew, she adopted her parents’ religious defense. As a Christian she could not support violent resistance. This stance is still with her today and is leading her the path when she preaches or offers advice to her faith members (Seventh-day Adventists).
Do you think a spiritual caregiver who herself/himself is a survivor is better equipped with healing community members? Why/not?
Yes, I think so. But each trauma survivor is different, dealing with his own demons. I imagine myself more equipped when I am counseling a mother who lost her young son like I did, but I am also responsible for attending to the feelings of an incest survivor, something I don’t know about.
What are your local and/or universal resources (books, texts, people/mentors, documentaries etc.) about spiritual care in your religious context?
Jesus is the prince of peace. I have accepted him as my personal savior, yes, I accept the prince of peace when I talk about peace issues in my community. I become more powerful because I am driven by the prince who empowers me with skills and with intelligence in dealing with all issues, with different roles that I need to play. Jesus is a spiritual foundation.
What were the most challenging issues that you handled as a spiritual caregiver? If the challenge already belongs to your past, how did you deal with it/them?
The most challenging… I should say the longest and loneliest period of my life was after my son got killed with a gun by another youth around his age. The tension and the extent of anger that I had carried since my husband’s death got much worse after losing my son. I had to be my own caregiver because I was terrified to face my emotions. I needed to relinquish poisonous pain by putting my unquestioning trust in the Lord. Only with prayer and spiritual dedication, I could get up and get out of the house. I committed myself to a journey of healing and reconciliation, which included visiting the perpetrator in prison and his mother in her village home. She was not nice with me but I visited her many times until we began talking and sharing the food I brought her and her neighbors. During that time, I also dealt with a different fear, which was the fear of losing credibility within my faith community. I was aware that people kindly left me alone after the death of my son but not a single day passed by without feeling selfish and responsible for the members of my small town community.
Do non-religious trauma survivors ever consult you (if yes, under which circumstances, or pressures -if any?) How does the recipient’s spirituality affect your practices if it does?
Not that I am intentionally made aware of. South Africa is a very strong Christian country. Liberation songs were all Christian songs. It is part of our culture as much as trauma is part of our culture.
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Zandile always preached forgiveness and reconciliation but she nurtured anger within herself. She was unpacking her communities’ long-sustaining suffering, yet sealed her own pain securely. Any caregiver’s nightmare was gradually embodied in her when one day, Zandile realized “she loathed the person she had become”. She felt that she was a fraud. She was neither a peacebuilder nor a Christian caregiver. The words of Paul kept resonating in Zandile: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal” (Corinthians 13:1). I can only imagine the excruciating confusion that Zandile must have gone through as she despised herself for her own hypocrisy.
My conclusion from the conversation is that what is needed most for adequate spiritual care is honesty and courage, especially in dealing with one’s own fears and traumas before taking care of other community members.
Thank you, Zandile! I am thrilled to have you in my life and that you have called me "your favorite professor":)) Guess what? You're one of my favorite peacemakers and role models as a believer.