Impressions and Associations: Far from the Madding Crowd

"Some Women" are Actually Content with It

   [dedicated to V.Gören]

As much as my energy and circle of wonderful friends + new acquaintances allow, I try my best to be the "artsy woman" (or Roxy Woman as of last Monday night!) while I am spending some months in Istanbul. Today, I managed to see my first film festival movie only a few days before it ends, which turned out to be a great choice. It is called: Far from the Madding Crowd (a film adaption of Thomas Hardy's novel with the same title. The director is Thomas Vinterberg, a Danish film director who, along with Lars von Trier, co-founded the Dogme 95 movement).

The movie and the conversations taking place among the characters brought back memories from my college days. Ah, the good-old Thomas Hardy whom I should have given more importance as a flourishing feminist back then! We need more male writers like you in Turkey today. I do remember studying Jude the Obscure in the 1990s and its extraordinary free-spirited female character Sue Bridehead. More than anything, I was struck by the fact that a male writer in the late 19^th century could actually create this woman. I remember how she was against marriage which strongly appealed to my sentiments at the time. I was smiling at myself today as I was watching the expression on the guys' faces when Bathsheba declined their marriage proposals. They were so shocked. They assume (like most men even today) that all women want to get married. The truth is well, some don't. And sorry to remind you that some women are actually not even heterosexual or monogamous. 

Far from the Madding Crowd: Bathsheba is a very impulsive and straightforward woman so it comes as a shock to men, they don't know how to deal with her. All the women they have encountered so far must have been indirect and manipulative ones so men learn to perform accordingly. When Bathsheba looks at Gabriel's face and says "no, thank you, I don't want to marry" he cannot know the rest of the game, he is frozen and then he leaves. He finally gives in to his long-term quiet love and just wants to be near her even if it means to be a worker on her farm and watch her other suitors around. Bathsheba's second suitor and the owner of a nearby farm, Mr. Boldwood is a somewhat reserved man who claims that he is unable to fall in love until Bathsheba sends him a valentine card on a whim. He suddenly develops feelings for her, convinces himself that he is in love with her, and he refuses to give her up. He doesn't take no as an answer. This is the other weird thing about some guys, even when they are educated and seem very rational when you first meet them. Once you kindly reject them and say "look, why don’t we just stay friends, I really don't want to get married, sorry, don't take it personally, it is not about you, blah blah…" you are stuck with them for life. They can get married, involve in other relations, have kids and/or mistresses but they get obsessed about you and will check you regularly until one of you dies one day. As long as they are friendly, "protective" of you on their own terms and not interfering with your life, they make good friends. If their case becomes pathological, well, you may have to deal with them collectively, with the help of some partners and friends.

Thomas Hardy was very critical in his novels of Victorian England, especially of institutions of marriage, the Church and education. As I was watching the film, I was thinking I am still having serious problems with people (some of whom have bright CV and travelled all over the world) and the government in Turkey when it comes to their views of institutions of marriage, the Church (let us replace it with interpretations of Islam) and education. I feel much closer to Hardy than some people around me! In Jude the Obscure, remember how Jude and Sue are ostracised for living together unmarried, especially after their children are born. Jude's employers dismiss him because of the illicit relationship, and the family is forced into a nomadic lifestyle. Well, with a few neighbourhoods in Istanbul aside, this is still very close to what you may experience in Turkey. The parents will not take their children's partners seriously unless they are introduced as future wife/husband or at least with an engagement ring on their fingers. This is not changing much in the new generation either. The images and representations of happiness are so dictated and distorted by the media that majority of people cannot even imagine women being happier when they choose to remain single or opt for a communal life with good friends etc. Some women (and men too) are actually content with it, they recommend it but wait, no, they cannot be happy, they must be pretending and waiting for the right time or the right guy/woman to tie the knot. Thomas Hardy designed the proposal scenes to be absurd and comical. Men are so clumsy when they propose. They list their possessions which Bathsheba does not care at all. She has her own farm and piano:)

http://www.reuters.com/article/2015/04/16/us-film-maddingcrowd-idUSKBN0N71AN20150416

http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/27 (Read books as well. Please!)

Dear men, in the course of your lifetime, you will meet "some women" if you are lucky who are going to change all your prejudgments about women and form new experiences outside of the circle.  You'll feel that there is something "wrong" with them and unfortunately (for you!) it can be a pull effect. Do not go as far as to propose them and do not feel offended if they say no to you. It is not about you. You may be the perfect candidate in the eyes of the zillion other girls or women. You may be wealthy and thus guarantee that she is never going to need money or be in financial trouble. You may be an intellectual man with three diplomas. Your profile is not the point. Some women are not made for marriage or long-term relationships unless you can guarantee their space and freedom. As Bathsheba says at the beginning of the movie, they may be too independent to tame and then there will be trouble when the vows wear out. Spoiler: Patience helps!

 

Scent of Parsley in Bodrum versus Smell of Money & Fame in Istanbul

I was not in the mood for writing an entry, not at all. However, my friend Maria from Lisbon sent me an email with words of encouragement after reading my blog entries. Then, another lovely email from a student from Northern Cyprus who celebrated the Women's Day in her unique manner arrived. She made music & danced in the ancient olive grove right by the campus. She must be a secret shaman, gypsy and my spiritual daughter. She just does not know it yet. I miss ancient olive trees of the island and they know it. I want Beth Moon to come and take their pictures for her next exhibition, I promise to be her guide for free: http://bethmoon.com/

Having her autographed book with the most wonderful ancient tree pictures as a present from John Scanlan (Santa Fe) was just amazing. Thank you!

The problem with Istanbul is the pace of life. It is so fast (at least for me who has been spoiled in the easy-going Mediterranean island and then in artsy Santa Fe where amazing hikes were just a short drive away).  I could hardly prevent my laughter when Santa Feans kindly warned me of the reckless drivers whenever they heard that I rented a bicycle to ride in/around the town. I simply answered: "Thank you but believe me there is no traffic here and I feel very safe." Well, I did. I loved riding my bicycle there. Any time of the day including the midnight with full Moon guiding me after she learned that I had more than two glasses of sangria on that particular Friday at El Meson. 

Today, on my way out of the Gayrettepe subway station at around 4 pm, a very polite man stopped me to ask how to cross to the other side of the road. If he did not have that Istanbul Turkish and fine clothes, I would say, he acted like he just came from a village and looked so confused in the big city. Well, it turns out that he did! He lives in a small town in Bodrum peninsula for the past 27 years. He asked me (just as I was thinking about it by myself) how we can deal with this chaotic city. He comes for family visits (mother & sister) since he is originally from Istanbul.  He was very thankful that I showed him the way. I was exactly in the same confused state of mind and felt quite idiotic only two months ago. Now, at least I know how to get in and out, which directions to go after being underground. I refrained from using the phrase I am getting used to it because I don't want to get used to it and I have no plans of getting used to it. If someone donates me a house in Bebek and I can use it as my home-office, that is another story. However, just because you are in Istanbul you want to go out and follow stuff. The Istanbul Film Festival is coming soon (two other film festivals were over IF & Film Mor), there is always something going on in Pera Museum or Istanbul-Modern and many other galleries. I won't even go into the live-music scene! There is always someone who recommends a new restaurant or café; a friend who wants to meet and do something different. You come home exhausted; resenting & asking your body: "Why are you so tired?" I actually have friends who suggested Skype meetings so that each one of us can stay at home, sip our drinks and chat. That may be one practical solution but it also sounds so absurd to me since I use Skype for chatting with my friends in Toronto and Santa Cruz. 

You must have noticed that I did not even mention the money-issue. It is depressing. If you really want to enjoy the city, you need to be rich not just in money but also in time. You need them both! I feel sorry for the rich ones who work so hard and for too many hours, come home exhausted, and cannot even spend the money they earn when they want to. Their leisure time coincides with the rest of the city, the weekends! There is something so weird about that relationship (money, the same 48 hours, traffic jam, shopping mall jam). One example: Last Sunday, at around noon, the line in Starbucks Bebek was so ridiculously long, I mean you would think that they are giving out free coffee or latte for everyone (even in that case no way I'll wait for it!)

Yet, if the whole country has a heart and brain they are both located right here in Istanbul. Everything is here. Everything becomes possible if you are ambitious, strong and patient. If your life style is going in the direction of a Sufi (simple, modest, clean, no-ego) then you are in the wrong place my friend! You will be devoured or unhappy in this city. Consider Bodrum or at least one of the Princess islands if Bodrum sounds far away. The gentleman I met today looks very healthy and enjoys a glowing tan year-round. Just for the record, he told me life is much cheaper there and for some reason, he mentioned parsley. He said: "The parsley is so green in Bodrum. Its scent remains in your palm when you touch it. Farmer's Market is so lively and colorful". Just like the scent of fresh parsley, his words and the excitement in his voice in reference to Bodrum-life remained with me for the rest of the day.

Istanbul, Michelle, Manuel and Me...

I am back to the megacity. My days fly by, many things happen, life flows... The traffic and noise, the fatal classics pushing the limits of all the saints’ patience, are matchless (!) as always. Friends are priceless but I will say no more for now. If coming back to one’s hometown is similar to coming back to a womb-like space, Istanbul is the most chaotic womb ever. It is cancerous and gangrenous. An alienated mother who does not feel obliged to welcome her own child. Yet, there is magic in the everyday existence, which hits you every now and then. Seagulls accompanying the ferries during a cloudy sunset or the blue tiles of a small mosque (e.g., Rustem Pasha) which you walked by but never walked in can blow your mind and take you to another dimension. The soul of Mimar Sinan probably suffers whenever he looks around the city yet must be very proud of what he achieved (even more today). 

The best part: The colors and the tastes of the Turkish food, the meyhanes, bazaars… Exploring them through old friends' eyes make me smile. I love the excitement in their eyes! People constantly complain in this city and the routine life kills the beauty. Beggars and stray dogs are everywhere but mostly harmless…  Ask the street vendors or Orhan Pamuk if you don’t believe me.

Although me and my brother hosted many non-TR friends in Istanbul over the years, I remember the first and the last one most vividly. Maybe because I actually came to the Ataturk Airport, walked in, and waited for the friend at their exit gate. After surviving the hours in a stuffy steel box called airplane, passport control and claiming luggage, the automated exit door finally opens up, he/she looks for you in that crazy crowd immediately. And just for you. They scan dozens of strange faces with the hopes of finding you there. There is a magic in that moment, at least for me. I have been to the both sides. The door opens, the eyes meet, the lips curve to smile, then the adventure begins!